Thursday, June 23, 2011

The topic at church Sunday night was idols...i don't usually think too much about this topic, since it most commonly brings to mind money, possessions, or the like. However, Josh got me thinking in a different way. He said that an idol is anything that you think of more than the Lord. And there is a deeper issue than what the idol may appear to be. It only took a few seconds of asking before the Lord clearly brought before me what it was that I idol. First I thought it might be people pleasing, then I thought it was the need to be thought worthy or accepted. As I continued on down the list of what holds my attention more than the Lord, I realized that it was all wrapped around my worth, and particularly how others (excluding the Lord) saw my worth. This is what my life has been wrapped around for years, though it is hard to outright admit. Tonight, in desperation, I went back to a book that began to break into my heart last fall: Henri Nouwen's Life of the Beloved.
"I kept running around it in large or small circles, always looking for someone or something able to convince me of my Belovedness. It was as if I kept refusing to hear the voice that speaks from the very depth of my being and says: 'You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests.' That voice has always been there, but it seems that I was much more eager to listen to other, louder voices saying: 'Prove that you are worth something; do something relevant, spectacular, or powerful, and then you can earn the love you so desire.' Meanwhile, the soft, gentle voice that speaks in the silence and solitude of my heart remained unheard or, at least, unconvincing."
This may be the biggest battle of my life: learning to cast away this idol that has rooted itself in my heart covering the sweet voice of Jesus.

Monday, July 12, 2010

journey of a disciple

Twice in the last few weeks I've been asked what my favorite part of being a resident director is. The first response i gave was partly accurate, but i still needed to process through the question some more. By the time i was asked again, just a few days later i was a little more prepared :) This has been a four year process, and one i never expected. When i first got in to residence life it was because i was so convicted by Jesus command to make disciples, and this job seemed like such a great opportunity to do that. Just 4 years ago, i found myself drawn to Bryan College, 3,000 miles away from everything i had ever known, because of their emphasis on discipleship.

My first semester i was convinced that i had to have everything together, that i needed to have time for everyone, and to always be able to meet peoples needs (whether emotional, spiritual, or physical). After a few short months of living like this, i was burned out. Recently I was looking over a letter that i wrote my biological mom during that time. I wrote

"I feel sucked dry. there are so many problems and people that need so much from me. and i always think i can handle everything, but then i get to this breaking point where i kind of explode, and then i just lay there waiting for the pieces to be picked up."
Then, through circumstances which only God can bring about, I found Him teaching me something new:
"all of the problems that i had been dealing with and trying to fix were exhausting me. I carried each of them as my own burden, and i let them weigh me down. Then something happened that i had no control over, and i had no idea how to fix it. When it happened God responded before i even had a chance to think or to try to fix the problem on my own. He was showing me that He is there to bear the burdens, and to take care of me and everyone else. I wish i could say that this is an easy thing for me to always remember. This last week has been really hard, and it's still a struggle to go to God and lay all of the the burdens at His feet, trusting that He'll pick up the pieces. It's hard to remember that I need Him all the time, and that I'm not the answer to everyone's problems. It's hard not to get down when i realize that i am a failure, i respond to people in bad ways, and i make big mistakes."

This is getting much longer than i expected! But i guess since it was all part of the process, it is all part of the explaination. Shortly after i wrote these things to my mom, she passed away. After that i found myself alone and empty, and so far away from home. I didn't have anything left to give to those who i thought expected so much of me. For the next year i was shocked to find all of my fancied notions of leadership and discipleship were changing. how could it be that all of those girls i was supposed to be leading and loving, were suddenly the ones who were helping me back on my feet? For awhile I thought that i must be so weak, because i couldn't hide what was happening inside of me...they saw me in the pit of destruction and miry bog. But then i watched as they continued to grow into amazing godly women, while walking with me through the valley. Around that time i picked up my first Nouwen book "In the Name of Jesus - Reflections on Christian Leadership." I came across this passage that seemed to sum up everything that i had experienced and was continuing to experience, and eventually shaped my philosophy of ministry.

"When Jesus speaks about shepherding, he does not want us to think about a brave, lonely shepherd who takes care of a large flock of obedient sheep. In many ways, he makes it clear that ministry is a communal and mutual experience...He wants Peter to feed his sheep and care for them, not as 'professionals' who know their clients' problems and take care of them, but as vulnerable brothers and sisters who know and are known, who care and are cared for, who forgive and are being forgiven, who love and are being loved. Somehow we have come to believe that good leadership requires a safe distance from those we are called to lead. Medicine, psychiatry, and social work all offer us models in which 'service' takes place in a one way direction. Someone serves, someone else is being served, and be sure not to mess up the roles! But how can we lay down our life for those whom we are not even allowed to enter into a deep personal relationship Laying down your life means making your own faith and doubt, hope and despair, joy and sadness, courage and fear available to others as way of getting in touch with the Lord of life. We are not the healers, we are not the reconcilers, we are not the givers of life. We are sinful, broken, vulnerable people who need as much care as anyone we care for. The mystery of ministry is that we have been chosen to make or own limited and very conditional love the gateway for the unlimited and unconditional love of God...the leadership about which Jesus speaks is of a radically different kind from the leadership offered by the world. It is a servant leadership - in which the leader is a vulnerable servant who needs the people as much as they need their leader."

That being said :) the way i view my job looks much different than it once did. When my friend first asked me what i loved about being an RD, my response was that it was such privilege that people asked me to be part of their lives - whether walking through joy or sorrow. At that moment i was only thinking about the impact that i hoped to make on others lives. But the truth is: those who i have been pouring my heart into, have been in turn making an impact on my life. my life would not be the same without each of you in it - not only because you allowed me into some of the deepest parts of yourself, but because you have asked to know me, and have chosen to love this wretched mess that i am. i love my job because this is how we "get in touch with the Lord of life" - we mutually share, receive, love, teach, forgive, and encourage each other. I get paid to live life with people (though not much- i'm not in it for the money ;) This is my job, this is my life - to challenge and be challenged to grow more like Christ, and to fall in love with him in the process. Maybe this is discipleship.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Now "where" or "what" but "how"

Life is hard. Sometimes i get so caught up in what is happening in other peoples lives, and trying to give them hope and encouragment that God will redeem what has happened, that i don't realize how i am letting my own life spin out of control. And then, funny enough, i feel hopeless. A good friend spoke at chapel yesterday about the valley that God is taking him through right now. And even though it feels like hell, there is so much good that is happening in it. Yet i have a hard time keeping that perspective when i begin to dip into this valley...i see only destruction and mourning, and no light at the end of it. A few nights ago i began questioning why God brought me to place that He did. All i feel is weak, alone, sad, and unworthy. And i began to question if this is the right place, or if i would be of better use, and happier somewhere else...serving orphans in India, working at a bakery, or even waitressing. Anywhere but here seemed good. And than God began to work in the funny way that only He can. I have a devotional book with exerpts from Henri Nouwens writings. I don't look at it very often, but when i do, the next passage seems to always be exactly what i need to hear. So i opened the book up to my bookmark and began reading:
"Today, I realized that the question of where to live and what to do is really insignificant compared to the question of how to keep the eyes of my heart focused on the Lord. I can be teaching at Yale, working in the bakery at the Genesee Abbey, or walking around with poor children in Peru and feel totally useless, miserable, and depressed in all of those situations. I am sure of it, becasue it has happened. There is not such as thing as the right place or the right job. I can be happy and unhappy in all situations. I am sure of it, because i have been. I have felt distraught and joyful in situations of abundance as well as poverty, in situations of popularity and anonymity, in situations of success and failure. The difference was never based on the situation itself, but always on my state of mind and heart. When i knew that i was walking with the Lord, i always felt happy and at peace. When i was entangled in my own complaints and emotional needs, i always felt restless and divided. It is a simple truth that comes to me in a time when i have to decide about my future. Coming to Lima for 5, 10, or 20 years is no great decision. Turning fully, unconditionally, and without fear to the Lord IS."
I am amazed easily i did become consumed by self-doubt, fear, and depression, and how easily i forgot this simple truth. I may end my day in sadness, but i will begin it with hope, that the God of redemption will be faithfull as He always is.

Friday, October 9, 2009




Goodbye Bryan

Last week i made the long awaited trip to say goodbye to Bryan...i know it is not goodbye to my friendships there, but it is goodbye to a life that i will never live again. For 3 years Dayton was my home...and i miss it. I don't think i realized how much until i went back to say goodbye. Arriving in late September, i missed the humid hot air that i have become to accussumed to when i normall return to the South at the end of summer. As i arrived on Bryan's campus i felt as if i had finally woken up from a 4 month long dream. This is the life i know...it is home. But as i walked across the triangle and saw so many new faces, reality hit - i do not belong here anymore. I DO miss it, but the Lord has very clearly lead me back home to Portland, and to Multnomah.
The weekend at Bryan was exactly what i needed for closure, and to really begin a new stage of life that only 3 months ago i had no idea would exist. I spent much of my time on Huston base with my girls that i have known for years, my faithful few that always stuck with me. Evey time i was on the hall i felt refreshed, because i KNEW and was KNOWN. We were able to sit and laugh and remember and share, all the while truly knowing each other. But i have to remember that even though i am not a part of their daily lives anymore, we will always be a part of each others lives, though for the time being it may be 2,500 miles, 3 time zones, and a 40 hour drive away. The hour before i left to go back to Atlanta, i had a walk around campus...i needed to remember and to grieve. Every place i went i thought of my favorite memories spent in that spot.
*I walked out the front door of Huston and remembered my first encounter with the biggest spider i had ever seen, i swear it was the size of my fist! I was sitting on the bricks outside of the building my first night in Dayton, and suddenly the spider came crawling towards me. Of course i screamed and jumped, and i don't think i have ever sat there again. As i looked at the outside of the building i suddenly had this image of panty hose filled with flour flying across the sidewalk and sticking to the side of the building. One night in October of my first year, Andrew, Ryan, Evan, Lindsay and I had gettysburg war (this is the name for hitting each other with flour filled pantyhose), and for months i still saw the remains of flour swiped across the building.
*From there i walked to the gym, and remembered all of the early (well, early for me was 9am), morning that i would get up and run over to the gym to meet Funke for a workout. I also glanced at the tennis courts and thought of the times we would meet to play, though we would usually end up talking insead of playing. I thought of all the hours Kyle spent teaching me how to hit the ball correctly...I can still hear our conversation as i would hit it wrong again - he would look at me sternly and say "Amanda". my response was always "I know Kyle, I know!" I miss tennis...I miss Kyle and Liz (rocking her second serve!)
*I passed by the pool and saw our first all girl RA hang out...it was just my second night of meeting all of them and a bit overwhelming. I also remembered having my first good conversation with Wendy while sitting by the pool. And the time that Elisabeth pulled out all my grey hairs while dangling our feet in the water.
*Then came the baseball diamond...it wasn't until spring break of my last year that i finally went down to watch a baseball game (well, it was really to support Ben, JD, and DZ). I still don't really get baseball...and then there's the soccer field. Some of my very favorite Bryan memories - wearing my red Beat Covenant t-shirt, sitting in the cold at night, cheering for Carlos, and the memory of 500 Bryan students wearing red and running out of the woods right before the Covenant game. After that i saw the practice soccer field, where i spent about 3 nights a week playing ultimate with the boys. My favorite nights were after the rain when the field was so muddy we all ran around barefoot and would slip and fall on our faces while trying to jump. Most of the injuries i have ever had occured on this field: a black eye from Tim's fist, the scar that takes up most of my right knee from running and sliding through a rocky mud puddle, a hairline fracture on my foot from playing barefoot, and so many time having the wind knocked out of me from the boys running full force into me (i'm a girl, you'd think they would have mercy!)
*Walking up to the cafeteria - the very first place i drove with my mops just over 3 years ago on humid summer evening. Bruce and Kari met us there and lead us to the back of Huston so i could begin unpacking all of my stuff.
*Looking out over the grassy bowl - i can remember the most beautiful sunsets, especially after thunderstorms. And then i saw my spot...the 2 trees next to the library where i used to put my hammock and look out over Dayton. I would read and dream, pray and often fall asleep in this spot. There is no other place in all the world that makes me happier (well, apart from Cascade Locks =).
*Then i turned around and looked up to the cafe, and thought of my first converstation sitting outside with L.P...the beginning of a wonderfull friendship. I looked down and saw the sidewalk that ends in the middle of the grass, and remembered the scavenger hunt that Cassie-Marie created for the Long boys, that ended with the poem "Where the sidewalk ends". We placed a bucket full of fudge round for them at the end of the sidewalk, and i still remember them running towards it, grabbing the fudge rounds and kicking them in the air!
*As i walked through the middle of campus i thought that there could never be such a beautiful place, where so many wonderfull memories could happen. The grass was so green, the trees so full, the pathways and benches so inviting.
I miss Bryan...but the memories will forever be etched in my mind, and will always bring a smile to my face.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

another great wedding




I do love weddings...but i really think i must elope. Friday was my sisters big day - and believe me, it was a BIG day...in fact it was several big days - filled with African and French relatives, shopping trips, polishing silver (a whole day of it for me =), preparing a Cameroonian rehearsal dinner, getting pedicures, a wonderful bachelorette party, and then finally wedding pictures at Pittock Mansion, the beautiful ceremony at the Old Church (someone mentioned to me that it was the most beautiful wedding they had ever seen), and the fun fill reception filled with lots of dancing at the North Star Ballroom. By 10pm I was ready for bed (forgetting about all the cleanup that lay ahead that would stretch out over several days). Tomorrow Mops and I are off to the beach for a much needed mini-vacation. For my favorite girls in Tennessee who I know would LOVE to see some pictures of the wedding - here they are! (i don't have a great selection from right now, but i will add more as i get them!)

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

"Love helped me push through the crack in the rock until I could look right onto my Love, the sun himself. See now! There is nothing whatever between my Love and my heart, nothing around to distract me from him. He shines upon me and makes me to rejoice, and has atoned to me for all that was taken from me and done against me. There is no flower in all the world more blessed or more satisfied than I, for I look up to him as a weaned child and say, "Whom have I in heaven but thee, and there is none upon earth that I desire but thee.'"
-Hinds Feet on High Places (Hannah Hurnard)