The topic at church Sunday night was idols...i don't usually think too much about this topic, since it most commonly brings to mind money, possessions, or the like. However, Josh got me thinking in a different way. He said that an idol is anything that you think of more than the Lord. And there is a deeper issue than what the idol may appear to be. It only took a few seconds of asking before the Lord clearly brought before me what it was that I idol. First I thought it might be people pleasing, then I thought it was the need to be thought worthy or accepted. As I continued on down the list of what holds my attention more than the Lord, I realized that it was all wrapped around my worth, and particularly how others (excluding the Lord) saw my worth. This is what my life has been wrapped around for years, though it is hard to outright admit. Tonight, in desperation, I went back to a book that began to break into my heart last fall: Henri Nouwen's Life of the Beloved.

"I kept running around it in large or small circles, always looking for someone or something able to convince me of my Belovedness. It was as if I kept refusing to hear the voice that speaks from the very depth of my being and says: 'You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests.' That voice has always been there, but it seems that I was much more eager to listen to other, louder voices saying: 'Prove that you are worth something; do something relevant, spectacular, or powerful, and then you can earn the love you so desire.' Meanwhile, the soft, gentle voice that speaks in the silence and solitude of my heart remained unheard or, at least, unconvincing."

This may be the biggest battle of my life: learning to cast away this idol that has rooted itself in my heart covering the sweet voice of Jesus.