journey of a disciple

Twice in the last few weeks I've been asked what my favorite part of being a resident director is. The first response i gave was partly accurate, but i still needed to process through the question some more. By the time i was asked again, just a few days later i was a little more prepared :) This has been a four year process, and one i never expected. When i first got in to residence life it was because i was so convicted by Jesus command to make disciples, and this job seemed like such a great opportunity to do that. Just 4 years ago, i found myself drawn to Bryan College, 3,000 miles away from everything i had ever known, because of their emphasis on discipleship.

My first semester i was convinced that i had to have everything together, that i needed to have time for everyone, and to always be able to meet peoples needs (whether emotional, spiritual, or physical). After a few short months of living like this, i was burned out. Recently I was looking over a letter that i wrote my biological mom during that time. I wrote

"I feel sucked dry. there are so many problems and people that need so much from me. and i always think i can handle everything, but then i get to this breaking point where i kind of explode, and then i just lay there waiting for the pieces to be picked up."
Then, through circumstances which only God can bring about, I found Him teaching me something new:
"all of the problems that i had been dealing with and trying to fix were exhausting me. I carried each of them as my own burden, and i let them weigh me down. Then something happened that i had no control over, and i had no idea how to fix it. When it happened God responded before i even had a chance to think or to try to fix the problem on my own. He was showing me that He is there to bear the burdens, and to take care of me and everyone else. I wish i could say that this is an easy thing for me to always remember. This last week has been really hard, and it's still a struggle to go to God and lay all of the the burdens at His feet, trusting that He'll pick up the pieces. It's hard to remember that I need Him all the time, and that I'm not the answer to everyone's problems. It's hard not to get down when i realize that i am a failure, i respond to people in bad ways, and i make big mistakes."

This is getting much longer than i expected! But i guess since it was all part of the process, it is all part of the explaination. Shortly after i wrote these things to my mom, she passed away. After that i found myself alone and empty, and so far away from home. I didn't have anything left to give to those who i thought expected so much of me. For the next year i was shocked to find all of my fancied notions of leadership and discipleship were changing. how could it be that all of those girls i was supposed to be leading and loving, were suddenly the ones who were helping me back on my feet? For awhile I thought that i must be so weak, because i couldn't hide what was happening inside of me...they saw me in the pit of destruction and miry bog. But then i watched as they continued to grow into amazing godly women, while walking with me through the valley. Around that time i picked up my first Nouwen book "In the Name of Jesus - Reflections on Christian Leadership." I came across this passage that seemed to sum up everything that i had experienced and was continuing to experience, and eventually shaped my philosophy of ministry.

"When Jesus speaks about shepherding, he does not want us to think about a brave, lonely shepherd who takes care of a large flock of obedient sheep. In many ways, he makes it clear that ministry is a communal and mutual experience...He wants Peter to feed his sheep and care for them, not as 'professionals' who know their clients' problems and take care of them, but as vulnerable brothers and sisters who know and are known, who care and are cared for, who forgive and are being forgiven, who love and are being loved. Somehow we have come to believe that good leadership requires a safe distance from those we are called to lead. Medicine, psychiatry, and social work all offer us models in which 'service' takes place in a one way direction. Someone serves, someone else is being served, and be sure not to mess up the roles! But how can we lay down our life for those whom we are not even allowed to enter into a deep personal relationship Laying down your life means making your own faith and doubt, hope and despair, joy and sadness, courage and fear available to others as way of getting in touch with the Lord of life. We are not the healers, we are not the reconcilers, we are not the givers of life. We are sinful, broken, vulnerable people who need as much care as anyone we care for. The mystery of ministry is that we have been chosen to make or own limited and very conditional love the gateway for the unlimited and unconditional love of God...the leadership about which Jesus speaks is of a radically different kind from the leadership offered by the world. It is a servant leadership - in which the leader is a vulnerable servant who needs the people as much as they need their leader."

That being said :) the way i view my job looks much different than it once did. When my friend first asked me what i loved about being an RD, my response was that it was such privilege that people asked me to be part of their lives - whether walking through joy or sorrow. At that moment i was only thinking about the impact that i hoped to make on others lives. But the truth is: those who i have been pouring my heart into, have been in turn making an impact on my life. my life would not be the same without each of you in it - not only because you allowed me into some of the deepest parts of yourself, but because you have asked to know me, and have chosen to love this wretched mess that i am. i love my job because this is how we "get in touch with the Lord of life" - we mutually share, receive, love, teach, forgive, and encourage each other. I get paid to live life with people (though not much- i'm not in it for the money ;) This is my job, this is my life - to challenge and be challenged to grow more like Christ, and to fall in love with him in the process. Maybe this is discipleship.